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Why I’m Here

Rose in my Garden
From my garden after a rainstorm.

As a kid, I saw people that no one else could see. I saw the forest and the bushes and the flowers as light-filled beings. I talked to everything, and everything talked back, though they didn’t make human sounds. They spoke in my head. I even talked to God, and God talked back to me, filled me with love far more intense than what I got from my family – and even as a child, four or five years old, I understood it was to prepare me for the tough times ahead.

As you might guess, I was labelled “different” by the people around me, and “crazy” and “retarded” by my peers. I was bullied and pushed down by cruel actions and words. I took complete responsibility for their actions, and believed I was nothing. The saddest part to me now, looking back, is that I did some of the pushing down to myself because I could feel the pain and uncertainty of the people who hurt me. I wished myself dead almost on a daily basis so my presence didn’t cause them more pain. I saw myself as poison.

With this childhood, it was no wonder that I ended up marrying a narcissist before I was 20 years old. The only salvageable things from that long and dark relationship were three beautiful children and a lot of lessons. I got out only when I realized that if I didn’t, I would face spiritual death, at least in this lifetime. I’d just be a body walking around.

On the other side of those tough times, I did a lot of healing – and now I’m faced with the toughest issue of all for me: a tremendous fear of being “seen.” I equate being seen with being targeted and humiliated and used.

Just yesterday, while walking and communing with the two spirits who help me the most, and telling them how the spiritual journey seems to be like travelling unknown territory in the dark, one of the spirits told me that I need not worry about rushing forward. Instead, just take half steps. Lift the foot out of faith. Then, when the time is right, put it down, with faith.

And that is why I’m here. This new post on this new website is my first half step.