Love as Connection

…there must be two “live” ends…

Thinking of love as it relates to connection, the first thing I wondered was: is love only seen or recognized or “measurable” when it is an active force? If it sits still, does nothing, is it really love? And is the active force of love, actually the active force of the divine? Love is God; God is Love?

Then I realized something profound:

plasma globeUnless I am Love, it doesn’t matter that Love acts in the world around me. I will be forever removed from it because to make any connection, there must be two “live” ends – and the end in me must be active to truly experience the Love at the other end. In other words, to see the world as a living representation of the active force of Love, I too must be Love.

I created a mantra as I walked….

“I am Love. All this (all around me) is Love.”

The first time, and almost every time after, that I concentrated on this mantra, the world shifted for a few seconds, both looking and feeling different: intense, immediate, and far more vast. Colors became brighter, shadows deeper, and I could “feel” the power of my surroundings in my heart and radiating around my spine.

Then I came home and was immediately verbally attacked by my teenaged daughter (she has a personality disorder). I told her I loved her – and she started to rage! Instead of running for cover, I thought, “I am Love” – and I saw differently again.

I saw her beauty, and her fear beneath the anger, the fear that if she truly attaches to this family, we will leave her too. With the help of recalling “I am Love” and following my natural inclinations while in that mindset, I was able to end the conversation with no damage to either of us.

And that’s as far as I’ve gotten on this new thought and the experimentation around it.

Why I’m Here

Rose in my Garden
From my garden after a rainstorm.

As a kid, I saw people that no one else could see. I saw the forest and the bushes and the flowers as light-filled beings. I talked to everything, and everything talked back, though they didn’t make human sounds. They spoke in my head. I even talked to God, and God talked back to me, filled me with love far more intense than what I got from my family – and even as a child, four or five years old, I understood it was to prepare me for the tough times ahead.

As you might guess, I was labelled “different” by the people around me, and “crazy” and “retarded” by my peers. I was bullied and pushed down by cruel actions and words. I took complete responsibility for their actions, and believed I was nothing. The saddest part to me now, looking back, is that I did some of the pushing down to myself because I could feel the pain and uncertainty of the people who hurt me. I wished myself dead almost on a daily basis so my presence didn’t cause them more pain. I saw myself as poison.

With this childhood, it was no wonder that I ended up marrying a narcissist before I was 20 years old. The only salvageable things from that long and dark relationship were three beautiful children and a lot of lessons. I got out only when I realized that if I didn’t, I would face spiritual death, at least in this lifetime. I’d just be a body walking around.

On the other side of those tough times, I did a lot of healing – and now I’m faced with the toughest issue of all for me: a tremendous fear of being “seen.” I equate being seen with being targeted and humiliated and used.

Just yesterday, while walking and communing with the two spirits who help me the most, and telling them how the spiritual journey seems to be like travelling unknown territory in the dark, one of the spirits told me that I need not worry about rushing forward. Instead, just take half steps. Lift the foot out of faith. Then, when the time is right, put it down, with faith.

And that is why I’m here. This new post on this new website is my first half step.